Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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