At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize