can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize