The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize