Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
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It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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