Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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