My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize