we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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