god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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