The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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