My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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