I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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