he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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