I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
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I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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