I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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