A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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