K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
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Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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