I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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