Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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