She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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