I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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