My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
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I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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