I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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