maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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