Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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