can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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