I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
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Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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