I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
we should paint friendship bongs
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