Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
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100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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