I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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