Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
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I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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