If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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