bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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