my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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