im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
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His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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