you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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