shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I deserve this hangover.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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