so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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