I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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