She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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