who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize