I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We named our party play list daddy issues
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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