You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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