so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
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I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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