Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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