I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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