I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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