omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
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just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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