This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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