So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
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She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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